6 min read

Canadian Drivers Suck

Canadian Drivers Suck

Canadian drivers suck. There I said it. They're the worst I’ve encountered anywhere in the world. Admittedly I haven’t been to THAT many places, but I have been to England. Several times. And while they may be crap at food over there, the average skill level of the drivers is several orders of magnitude above what we get here in “Maple Syrup Land” as James still calls it. This is something I’ve only begun to notice as we travel more and more for Throttle House, and frankly it's a bit embarrassing. And while there are a few key reasons, there are no excuses. So bear with me as I vent a bit. 

This is about as wide as the roads get in the UK. Pickup trucks are few and far between.

You would think that living in a land that sees brutal winter for half of the year would result in drivers with a high level of skill when it comes to operating their cars. Sadly this isn’t the case. And like clockwork, every year, upon the first snowfall the highways are absolute bedlam. Literally no one in this country seems to remember that the cold, white, icy stuff will change how long it takes to stop. Nope. As soon as the snow falls, not one person seems to remember to slow down, so inevitably some jerk-off ends up plowing into the back of a semi, or yeeting their jetta off the edge of an on-ramp.

And while the weather is often awful and results in mega slow-downs, to make matters worse, regardless of the season you’ll always experience a ridiculously wide range of idiots on any road. 

Would you trust this guy driving behind you in a snowstorm? This is but one example of a Canadian driver.

Take Kyle for example, who’s trying desperately to actually occupy the same physical space as your car with his big dumb black Ram 1500 (yes I know I had one of these) as he tailgates you so close you feel the need to pucker your butthole. But at least you get a good look at his wrap-around circa 2004 Oakleys as he dangerously passes you on the wrong side, only to get caught behind the next person in front of you. It's usually at this point you can see the predictable F*ck Trudeau sticker on his bumper as you decide he's probably rushing home to kiss his sister on the lips.

And then there's the 275 year old doing 23 km/h under the speed limit in the middle lane.

And then there’s the texter, who only looks up from their phone to give the steering wheel a whack to make sure the lane-keep-assist stays on.

And then there’s the full size transport truck who decided that he's sick of going 97 km/h on a two lane highway and wants to cruise at 100 km/h, so decides to pass another full size transport truck at a speed delta of 2 km/h  blocking both lanes of traffic… for 20 minutes.

And then there's the person who doesn't understand how to use an on-ramp and enters the highway at 20 under, expecting everyone to dodge them. 

And then there’s the traffic zombie who has absolutely no problem solving skills in traffic whatsoever, and will be completely flummoxed by a yield sign. 

And then there’s the panicker, whose heart rate hits 195 when they have to pass a cyclist.

And honestly, I could go on for pages and pages.

A good portion of this is the fault of poor driver education, but after spending two weeks driving in England recently, I’ve decided the main culprit is the road system itself.

You won't find roads like this in Ontario.

There's nothing about the roads in Canada (or North America for that matter) that require any more than the brain of a 3 year old chimp to drive on. At least in the eastern half of the continent, there are seldom any turns, the roads are absolutely massive, and 99% of driving here is as follows: Drive in straight line, stop at red light. Drive in straight line again, turn 90 degrees. Drive in straight line again, stop at 30 more red lights. Repeat.

No one ever has to exercise any problem solving, quick thinking, or precision driving. So they become complacent. And complacency inevitably leads to incompetence.

After seeing these painted white lines I think most Ontario drivers would need a time out.

The city that I live in recently added about 9 roundabouts to one of the main roads. It's complete pandemonium at rush hour. No one knows how to use them. No one signals. Half of the people come to a complete stop at the entrance no matter what's coming, and a disturbingly large portion will use the outside lane to drive all the way around the roundabout (with no signal on) cutting off people going straight over. It's a mess. So when I first hit a roundabout in England it literally felt like someone had removed weight from my shoulders.

The traffic just FLOWS. Everywhere. It was wonderful. The vast majority of drivers there understand when to give way, and when to just GO. That’s the biggest difference actually. Drivers in Canada are always totally confused by anything other than an arrow straight super-wide unobstructed road, and will come to a complete stop because there's half a pencil lead in the road; momentarily dipping a tire across a line to avoid an obstruction is simply not possible. Meanwhile drivers in cities in England spend most of their time SHARING a lane with oncoming traffic. A quick wave to the driver that waited for you to zip through the narrow bit is all that's needed and everyone gets on with their day.

On top of that, to drive in the UK, you absolutely must understand the dimensions of your car. If not, you will certainly hit other cars (parked or moving), a thick hedge, a stone wall that's older than my entire country, or even a fox.

Meanwhile I’ve seen Canadians back into lamp posts in empty parking lots.

If you meet another driver coming towards you, one of you has to reverse until two cars can fit.

But perhaps the biggest difference between Canada and England, is that in England (for the most part), you spend far more time actually driving than you do waiting. Since the road system seems to trust its drivers, there aren't really any stop signs, ( just Yield signs), the national speed limit on tiny tight back roads is 60mph, rights of way are clearly marked and followed, and drivers just seem to get on with it. Approach a junction or constriction, communicate with other drivers, get the hell on with it and continue to your destination. Meanwhile in Canada you spend the majority of your commute sitting at red lights, or in heavy traffic, while lane-keep and adaptive-cruise do the bulk of the driving for you. Meaning many drivers sit there on their phones as their driving skill set and reaction times turn to shit.

I drove from Bristol, to northwest London (several hours of highways, back roads, towns and cities) and I think I came to a complete stop MAYBE 4 times in total. It was just constant operation of a motor vehicle. Which, I will admit, is why the English feel the need to stop CONSTANTLY at rest stops for a tea and some sort of pastry thing to break up any drive over an hour. Your brain needs rest there more than it does in North America because, well, you actually have to use it.

Both the UK and Canada have a beautiful countryside, but these Welsh roads were something special.

The road system in the UK isn't perfect. There is traffic often, and average speed cameras are annoying, and as far as I can tell, pretty pointless. They are activated on motorways to protect construction workers. But I did miles upon miles of average speed cameras, and saw a LOT of orange cones on the road, but never an actual human. And it does need to be said, there is a limit to how big and complicated double roundabouts need to be. Some of them are absolutely overwhelming. But it has to be said, as a person interested in driving, I feel like more was required of me in the UK. And that made it fun. 

I much prefer driving in England. And it's clear that the road system breeds a higher caliber of driver. Canada could truly learn a thing or two.

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